【TED】那些懂得求助別人的人，都過得很好
演講者:YeYoon Kim
演講題目: What kids can teach adults about asking for help
What can we learn from children about being better humans？ They‘re fiercely loyal to their friends， fast to defend， quick to apologize and swift to forgive。 But as a past kindergarten teacher —— always a kindergarten teacher at heart —— I want to share with you a surprising lesson I learned from them about being asked for help。
為了成為更好的人，我們能從孩子身上學到什麼？他們很快就原諒了他們的朋友，而且很快就會為他們的朋友道歉。但作為一個曾經的幼兒園老師——我的內心永遠是一個幼兒園老師——我想和大家分享一個我從他們那裡學到的，關於被請求幫助的令人驚訝的一課。
Ilove human behaviors —— how we act differently in different situations and environments —— and these cute five-year-olds with their adorable cheeks and the perfect height to give warm， morning hugs to and almost a competitive love for high fives， were so interesting。
我喜歡研究人類的行為——我們在不同的情況和環境下的不同行為——這些可愛的五歲孩子有著可愛的臉龐和完美的身高，能夠在早晨給人溫暖的擁抱，而且幾乎對高五有著競爭性的熱愛，真是太有趣了。
My first class was called a Mars class。 I had 10 students， and each were so full of character。 But there was this one kid I’ll never forget。 Let‘s call him Sam。 Sam behaved like he forgot he was only five。 He was so independent。 Not only did he know how to tie his own shoelaces， but he knew how to tie other kids’ shoelaces too。 He also never took home a dirty thermos， because he would clean it after his lunch。
我接手的第一個班叫火星班。我有10個學生，每個人都很有個性。但有一個孩子我永遠不會忘記。我們叫他山姆吧。山姆表現得好像忘了他才五歲。他很獨立。他不僅知道如何系自己的鞋帶，而且也知道如何系其他孩子的鞋帶。他也從不把髒水瓶帶回家，因為午飯後他會把它清理乾淨。
And if something happened and he needed a change of clothes， he would do so very quietly and discreetly by himself。 He didn‘t ask for help much himself， but he was the one that his classmates went to for help —— help on things like， can he help them finish their kimchi？ Because it’s too spicy。 He didn‘t like showing any type of affection to teachers and came across as “the cool kid。”
如果發生什麼事，他需要換衣服，他會非常安靜和謹慎地自己做。他自己也不怎麼尋求幫助，但他是同學們求助的物件——比如，他能幫他們吃完泡菜嗎？因為太辣了。他不喜歡對老師表現出任何的愛慕之情，給人的印象是“酷小子”。
If you gave him a good-morning hug， he would roll his eyes and make a funny face as to show discontent， but also stand there and wait if he didn’t get his morning hug。 He was so smart and reliable that even I would forget that he was only five。
如果你給他一個早上好的擁抱，他會翻白眼，做一個滑稽的表情來表示不滿，但如果早上沒有擁抱他，他也會站在那裡等著。他非常聰明可靠，連我都忘了他只有五歲。
As a novice teacher， I spent a lot of time observing how more experienced teachers interacted with their students。 And I noticed something very peculiar。 Oftentimes when kids fall， they don‘t start crying immediately。 They would stand up， puzzled， as if trying to make up their mind —— you know， “What just happened？” “Is this a big enough deal for me to cry？ Does this hurt？ What’s going on？”
作為一名新手教師，我花了很多時間觀察更有經驗的教師如何與學生互動。我注意到一些很奇怪的事情。通常，當孩子摔倒時，他們不會馬上哭。他們會站起來，困惑不解，好像要下決心——比如，“剛才發生了什麼事？”“這件事夠我哭的嗎？這疼嗎？這是怎麼回事？”
Usually kids will be OK until they lock eyes with an adult： one that they trust and know can do something for them。 Eyes lock， and then， they burst out in tears。 When I noticed this， I so wanted it to happen to me， because to me， that meant that you had earned a kid‘s trust and had proven that you’re capable to help them with anything。 You were a hero to them。
通常孩子們都會沒事的，直到他們和一個成年人對視：一個他們信任並知道可以為他們做點什麼的人。眼睛一眨，就哭了起來。當我注意到這一點時，我非常希望它發生在我身上，因為對我來說，這意味著你贏得了一個孩子的信任，證明了你有能力幫助他們做任何事情。你是他們心目中的英雄。
Weeks went by of me just watching other teachers have kids run to them in tears， and I‘d watch in jealousy。 Oh， was I jealous。 I mean， of course I didn’t want the kids to fall， but I really wanted that moment of validation that yes， I had earned a kid‘s trust enough to be the one to help them。
幾周過去了，我只能看著其他老師讓孩子們哭著向他們跑去，而我會嫉妒地看著。 哦，我嫉妒。我的意思是，當然，我不希望孩子摔倒，但我確實希望得到驗證的那一刻，是的，我贏得了孩子的信任，足以成為幫助他們的人。
Then， it finally happened。 It was a beautiful day。 It was during recess at the indoor playground。 The kids were playing and I was getting some things laminated —— because teachers are forever laminating stuff —— in the teacher’s room next door。 Then I heard a kid yell， “Teacher， teacher， Sam fell down。” So I went out to peak， looked around for Sam， and there he was， looking very puzzled， as if he was trying to add double digits。
後來，事情終於發生了。那是一個美麗的日子。那是在室內操場休息的時候。孩子們在玩，我在隔壁的老師房間裡買了些東西，因為老師們總會屯點東西。然後我聽到一個孩子喊道：“老師，老師，薩姆摔倒了。”於是我走到山頂，四處尋找薩姆，他就在那兒，看上去很困惑，好像他在試圖做兩位數的加減法。
Then he looked at me， our eyes locked， and then it happened。 His lower lip started to tremble and his tiny eyes started to fill with tears。 Then he burst out in tears running towards me， and it was glorious。 I‘ll never forget that moment。 He let me give him a big hug to help him calm down， and it turns out that yes， he did trip over his own two feet so there was no one other than the floor to reprimand。 We checked to make sure that he wasn’t hurt and he overcame that with not even a bruise。
然後他看著我，我們的眼睛緊鎖，然後事情發生了。他的下唇開始顫抖，他的小眼睛開始充滿淚水。然後他突然大哭起來，朝我跑來，真是太光榮了。我永遠不會忘記那一刻。他讓我給了他一個大大的擁抱，讓他冷靜下來，結果證明，是的，他確實絆倒了自己的兩隻腳，所以除了地板，沒有其他人可以訓斥。我們檢查了一下，確保他沒有受傷，他克服了這一點，甚至沒有一點瘀傷。
It was in that moment， oddly —— it didn‘t feel like I was there to help Sam， but rather he was giving me this gift， this opportunity to help him。 And it’s something very weird that I struggle putting down in words。 With his vulnerability in coming to me for help as if I could do something about it， you would think that gives me the power， but in that moment， no， it was quite the opposite， and the power shifted even more so to him。
奇怪的是，就在那一刻，我覺得我不是來幫助薩姆的，而是他給了我這個禮物，這個機會來幫助他。這是一件很奇怪的事，我很難用語言表達出來。因為他很脆弱，向我尋求幫助，好像我能做點什麼似的，你可能會認為這給了我力量，但在那一刻，不，恰恰相反，權力轉移到了他身上。
Being asked for help is a privilege： a gift for you to do something for someone， especially when it‘s coming from their place of vulnerability。
被請求幫助是一種特權：它是可以幫助你為某人做某事的禮物，尤其是當它來自脆弱的地方時。
With everything I learned from kindergarten， or in “teaching” kindergarten， I went to conquer other things in life。 Fast-forward nine years， and I landed in an association for project management professionals in a role that works extensively with volunteers。
那些我從幼兒園學到的東西，或者說是在“教學”幼兒園學到的東西，也幫助了我處理很多生活中的問題。9年後，我進入了一個專案管理專業人士協會，在這個協會里，我經常地與志願者合作。
Working with volunteers is a wonderful experience， but there are some things I wish had a been warned about， like how to set boundaries。 It’s very easy to fall into the rabbit hole of “because they‘re volunteers。” Late night calls？
與志願者一起工作是一種美妙的經歷，但有些事情我希望能得到提醒，比如如何設定界限。因為你很容易會陷入“因為他們是志願者”的陷阱。就像深夜電話？
Yes， because they’re volunteers and have day jobs。 Business trips that are almost exclusively only on weekends？ Yes， because they‘re volunteers and have day jobs。 Not to pat myself on the back， but I got quite good at my job。 I was thriving off of the relationships I was building。 And the best way I knew how to judge whether I had earned someone’s trust was if they would come and ask me for help。 I loved it。
是的，因為他們是志願者，有本職工作。幾乎只在週末出差？是的，因為他們是志願者，有本職工作。不是自誇，但我的工作做得很好。我靠著建立的人際關係而茁壯成長。我知道如何判斷我是否贏得了別人的信任，最好的方法就是他們是否會來找我幫忙。我很喜歡。
Every time we did year-end retreats and we talked about what we wanted to be in the next year， my keywords were always “help” or “helpful。”
每次我們做年終務虛會，談論下一年我們想做什麼，我的關鍵詞總是“幫助”或“有幫助”。
The problem was that I wasn‘t being just helpful。 Over time， I put more and more pressure on myself to always be busy and to always do a good job。 Soon my self-worth became associated with my performance at work， which is basically a recipe for disaster。 But don’t worry， because I had the best coping mechanism， which was denial， distraction with even more work and drinking —— and lots of it。
問題是我不僅僅是在幫忙。隨著時間的推移，我給自己施加了越來越大的壓力，要求自己總是很忙，總是把工作做好。很快，我的自我價值感與我在工作中的表現聯絡在一起，這基本上是一個災難的處方。但別擔心，因為我有最好的應對機制，那就是拒絕，更多的工作和喝酒分散注意力——還有很多其他的妙招。
Iwas so busy being helpful and independent and being a great Sam that I forgot how to ask for help when I needed it。 All I had to do was ask， and if I truly believed that asking for help was a gift， then I should have been doing it more， right？
我忙於幫助別人，獨立工作，做一個偉大的山姆，以至於我忘記了在需要幫助的時候如何尋求幫助。我所要做的就是請求，如果我真的相信求助是一種本能，那麼我應該做得更多，對吧？
Well， we don‘t always practice what we preach， but about two years ago， I was slapped with a big， fat reminder。 To say that I was burned-out at the time was an understatement， but thanks to my coping mechanism， drinking， it looked like I was just having a great time。 But one day， just like Sam in the playground， I tripped over my own two feet。
好吧，我們並不總是實踐我們所宣揚的，但大約兩年前，我被打臉了。說我當時精疲力盡是輕描淡寫的，但多虧了我的應對機制，喝酒，看起來我只是玩得很開心。但是有一天，就像在操場上的薩姆一樣，我被自己的兩隻腳絆倒了。
Iblacked out and woke up with a big cut on my foot from broken pieces of glass， eyes swollen from crying and a voice so hoarse that I’d most likely been wailing。 I don‘t have much recollection of what actually happened， but I remember feeling frustrated， sad and afraid。
我昏倒了，醒來時腳上被碎玻璃劃傷了一個大口子，眼睛因哭而腫起來，聲音沙啞，我很可能一直在哭。我不太記得實際發生了什麼，但我記得當時我感到沮喪、悲傷和害怕。
Now you’ve known me for only about 10 minutes， but you can probably tell that this was really not like me， so when I came to my senses about what had happened， I was in shock。 There was no other way of saying it other than that I needed help， both in the sense of I needed some type of therapy help， but also help in getting out of that situation。
現在你只認識我10分鐘，你就可能知道這真的不像我，所以當我意識到發生了什麼時，我震驚了。除了我需要幫助之外，沒有其他的方式來表達我需要幫助，從某種意義上說，我需要某種型別的治療幫助，但也有助於擺脫這種情況。
It was one of the lowest moments of my life， and even in that moment， my mind was running at hyperspeed into problem-solving mode。 What do I do with this？ If I don‘t fix this， then I’m even more of a disappointment。 If I don‘t resolve this， then I’m even more of a failure。
那是我一生中最低沉的時刻之一，即使在那一刻，我的大腦也在以超高速的速度進入解決問題的模式。我該怎麼處理這個？如果我不解決這個問題，那我就更失望了。如果我不解決這個問題，那我就更失敗了。
Those are things that were running through my mind， and it didn‘t even occur to me that I could ask for help。 I was surrounded by so many people who cared for me and wanted to help， but I just couldn’t see them。 Until finally， my good friend had to literally hold me by my shoulders and force me to ask for help。
這些事情一直在我腦海裡閃過，我甚至沒有想到我可以尋求幫助。我身邊有那麼多關心我、想幫助我的人，但我就是看不見他們。直到最後，我的好朋友不得不緊緊地抱著我的肩膀，強迫我尋求幫助。
“Can you do this？”
“No。”
“Do you need help？”
“Yes。”
“Can I help you？”
“Yes。”
“Can I get others that love and care for you to help you too？”
“Yes。”
“你能做到嗎？”
“沒有。”
“你需要幫助嗎？”
“是的。”
“我能幫你嗎？”
“是的。”
“我能讓那些愛你和關心你的人也幫你嗎？”
“是的。”
That was my grown-up version of locking eyes with my teacher。 And just like that， as soon as I said， “Yes， you may help me，” I felt a tingling of hope and some sort of control coming back。
那是我長大後對老師的那種眼神交流。就這樣，當我說“是的，你可以幫助我”的時候，我就感覺到一種希望的刺痛感和某種控制力的迴歸。
And if you think about it， isn‘t it so weird we spend all of childhood being so good at asking for help and are expected to grow up to be these self-reliant human beings and we get so good at it that we have to be reminded that it’s OK to ask for help？
如果你想一想，我們整個童年都很善於尋求幫助，長大後會成為這些自力更生的人，我們變得如此擅長，以至於不得不提醒我們，請求幫助是可以的，這不是很奇怪嗎？
Later， that moment helped me realize so many things。 I‘m always so happy to help others and I love it。 Why wouldn’t others be willing to help me？ And more importantly， why wouldn‘t I want others to feel the happiness and joy that comes from helping the Sams of the world？
後來，那一刻讓我意識到很多事情。我總是很樂意幫助別人，我喜歡這樣。為什麼別人不願意幫助我？更重要的是，為什麼我不想讓別人感受到，幫助這個世界上的山姆的快樂呢？
We all want to be the best Sams in life： to be strong， independent and self-reliant， but we don’t always have to be。 So let‘s start asking for help more often， because helping Sams is a privilege and a gift。
我們都想成為生活中最好的Sams：堅強、獨立和自立，但我們並不總是這樣。因此，讓我們開始更多地尋求幫助，因為幫助Sams是一種特權和禮物。
Thank you。
謝謝。
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